Coping Methods
by Tollwutgefahr
Summary: Shepard has to deal with her own feelings about Cerberus and the Teltin facility in addition to dealing with conflict between Jack and Miranda.


Note: The second part of this is a re-write of what happens with the in-game confrontation with Jack and Miranda if you side with Jack. Haven't run through that mission on a game version of this Shepard yet, but I watched a video of all the options (well, all the option that let you keep both of them loyal) and was annoyed that, if you side with Jack in the initial confrontation, both the Paragon and Renegade responses of explaning your actions to Miranda are really...kind of equally distateful, to me at least, as far as how Shepard talks about Jack. So I "fixed that."

* * *

><p>Pragia turns Shepard's stomach. Killing colonists and marines in the name of science was bad enough, but what Cerberus did to the children at Teltin...it's unforgivable. Beyond unforgivable. Watching Jack relive it and realize it had been bigger and more horrific than she'd known it was is painful. And blowing it off the face of planet only helps so much.<p>

It's so _easy_ to say "_your past doesn't have to control you_." Shepard likes to think she's moved on herself, and in some ways she has. Most of the time she's fine. But sometimes she runs into things that bring it back. The thresher maw on Tuchanka, the one on Edolus, finding Toombs, talking Talitha out of killing herself, and now Pragia. She can relate to Jack's pain, even though it's different and Jack had it far worse than she did.

So has everyone she's met who lived through Mindoir or Akuze. It makes her sick, what happened to them. The guilt is the worst part. Shepard knows she's no better than Toombs or Talitha. It should have been her, not them. There are nights when she can't sleep for the why's that echo in her head. _Why didn't she die with her family? Why didn't she die with her men?_ It's driven her to try to make things better, to keep another Mindoir or Akuze from happening. But it's never enough.

Once the bomb is in place and they're back on the shuttle, Shepard watches Jack play with the detonator. She wonders how Jack will deal with knowing so many more children were tortured and died in order for Cerberus to do what they did to her. Shepard wonders how the beginnings of Jack's own survivor's guilt will effect the biotic.

It's getting harder and harder for Shepard to take Cerberus's blood money. Harder to see the group's insignia on Miranda's uniform and Jacob's. On her own clothes.

* * *

><p>The last thing Shepard wants after a mission like Pragia is to have to play referee to Miranda and Jack, as it seems that Jack is, understandably, dealing with the anger part of coping.<p>

What makes Shepard's blood boil is the way Miranda says Jack was "_clearly a mistake_." It's not apologetic, not saying what happened to Jack shouldn't have happened. It's a judgement-you have been weighed and found wanting, you shouldn't be here, you shouldn't exist. At least, that's how Shepard heard it.

"Stand down, Miranda." If Shepard wasn't so tired, and if this wasn't so serious, she'd almost be amused at how surprised Miranda looks that she sided with Jack.

"Shepard, she _can't_ be trusted. She's unstable, and she's jeopardizing the mission."

"As commander of this ship, _I_ decided who or what is or is not jeopardizing this mission, Operative Lawson."

That puts a fire in Miranda's eyes that Shepard knows could start a wildfire. Jack leaves Miranda's office looking a little smug and triumphant, but Shepard's mind is on putting out that blaze before it burns her and the rest of the crew.

"I can't believe you let her get away with that, Shepard. She's a major liability!"

Shepard takes a deep breath. "Do you know who you're talking to, Operative Lawson?"

That seems to set Miranda off balance. Shepard can almost see the Cerberus operative's mind whirling, trying to figure out exactly what sort of question that is, and it it requires an answer. And if it does, what kind?

"Shepard-"

"So Teltin went rogue. But they -did- start as Cerberus, and your boss decided that Teltin's little 'mistake' might be useful." Miranda starts to protest, but Shepard holds up a hand. "He may not have known until now. He may have. Right now, I don't really trust him. You can tell me it was a rogue facility till you're blue in the face, but my personal experiences with Cerberus in the past don't endear them to me."

Shepard leans against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest. "I lived through Cerberus's experiment on Akuze. I dealt with the aftermath of Edolus. I ran into a corporal named Toombs, who wasn't lucky enough to get rescued like I was, who lived through some of Cerberus's idea of advancing humanity through science. So maybe I have the remarkable ability to run into every single rogue cell you people have. If that's the case, you people really need to work on that. If it isn't the only explanation is that some of those cells weren't as rogue as you'd like to think they were."

She doesn't quite expect the silence that Miranda gives her in return. Shepard just hopes Miranda uses that silence to actually _think_ about what she's saying.

"The Illusive man got you out of a bad situation. I get that. And I _don't_ regret saving your sister. Don't ever think that of me." She took a step closer to Miranda. "But do _not_ try to explain away the fact that people who have taken Cerberus's money have used it to victimize other human beings, some of whom I knew personally and care about. Do -not- make excuses to me so you can sleep at night."

Shepard doesn't wait for a reply. She's out the door and to the elevator before Miranda has a chance to find the words for a rebuttal. The elevator doors close, but she can't decide where to go. Her quarters are larger than she needs, and she hates that stupid, dangerous window that's right above her bed. She doesn't want to sit alone with her fish and her model ships. But she's not sure she should visit jack just yet. She doesn't want Jack to think she pities her, and she doesn't want to try to talk about mutual run ins with Cerberus right now. Jack will probably need to vent. If not now, then later. Shepard thinks later would be better. Right now, she's tired enough to cry, and she doesn't want Jack to see that. Not now, at least.

Finally, she presses in a destination. When the elevator reaches it, Shepard exits and heads to the starboard observation deck. She glances at Samara, then sits down beside her and takes a deep breath. Shepard closes her eyes, and tries to clear her head.


End file.
